Biteback, £20
This is the story of an outsider turned insider, from anti-apartheid militant to sell-out. Sorry, I meant very important cabinet minister in the Labour government. And if you've totally forgotten what I achieved, you won't be the only one.
"Ah, Peter, return of the prodigal son!" Nelson Mandela beamed, welcoming me to his Johannesburg home in February 2000. "Thank God you've come back. All South Africa has been praying for your return."
"Thank you for taking care of things in my absence," I replied, handing him my coat.
"And I have something for you, Peter," he said, with a twinkle. He left the room and came back with a book. "It's a copy of my latest bestseller." Tears welled in my eyes when I read the title: Peter Hain: A Long Walk to Aberystwyth, by Nelson Mandela.
Coming back to South Africa reminded me how formative I had been in the country's liberation from white rule: as a 15-year-old boy, I had insisted I call our black members of staff by their Christian names. For that, my family was banned from the country. On moving to the UK, I became heavily involved in campaigning against rugby and cricket matches. This drew flak from angry South African sports fans, and I received a letter bomb. Fortunately, it did not go off, as also in the post was a note from Nelson Mandela in Robben Island, saying he wouldn't have had the courage to carry on without me.
Why, you may wonder, did I abandon my youthful idealism to become a Labour politician? The answer is simple. I first joined the Liberal party, but soon realised it was going nowhere, and that if I wanted a mainstream career I had better make the switch. After wasting my time fighting a by-election in Putney, I was parachuted into the safe seat of Neath in 1991. How touched I was that, from his prison cell, Nelson Mandela took the time to send a telegram. "People of Wales," it said, "Peter is my inspiration. Let him be yours also."
Although I began my career as a vociferous member of the Tribune group, I soon realised leftwing principles had no place in Tony Blair's thinking. Once he became leader, I knew I'd be sidelined unless I got my act together. My compliance was rewarded by being made a junior minister for Wales. How proud I was to serve the people I had known for all of a couple of years, and it is a matter of some regret that the Welsh were not more appreciative of my efforts on their behalf.
Tony was very impressed by my endeavours and promoted me to the Commonwealth Office, where I could use my experience of Africa to great effect. Indeed, Nelson Mandela phoned to say that getting British Airways one flight a week to Luanda would be the crowning achievement of my career. I make no apologies for supporting the Iraq war. The simple fact is that Tony wanted there to be WMD in the country and I was happy to support him in that. Besides which, it would have been wrong for us to have allowed the US to act against Iraq unilaterally. Bilaterally was so much better.
For some reason it became much harder for Labour to retain the country's trust after Iraq, but I did derive much satisfaction from finally bringing peace in our time to Northern Ireland. The negotiations between Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley were often difficult. How glad I was to be able to call on Nelson Mandela. "Ask yourselves what Peter would do," he told them both.
It is a matter of record that I did very little of interest apart from this, though I did get a nice letter from Prince Charles telling me he had as little interest in the Welsh as me. Obviously things got even worse when that interfering fool Gordon took over, but I hold my head high in the knowledge of how well I have served myself, and take comfort in how proud Nelson Mandela remains of me.
Digested read, digested: Outside Right.