Some advice for the Republican candidate as he arrives in a nation of animal-lovers, and not very many French-Canadians
• First things first: the statistical probability is that any given member of the public you meet while in Britain will be British. This should make things considerably easier when it comes to your penchant for guessing randomly, and frequently wrongly, the nationalities of people you encounter. ("His favourite guess for nationality is French-Canadian.") At the Olympic Games opening ceremony, by contrast, you're likely to encounter many more non-British people. Small-talk topics to avoid with them include: a) whether or not they share an Anglo-Saxon heritage; and b) claiming to be familiar with the culture of their small island nation because you have several hundred million dollars in a bank account there.
• Your host, prime minister David Cameron, shares your love of prancing around on horses, but you should still probably avoid referring to the expensive horses you and Ann have purchased, because Cameron has to borrow his horses (they die soon afterwards) and he seems a bit self-conscious about it. His other hobbies include making swingeing cuts to public services and watching DVDs with a glassy, haunted expression on his face. You do glassy expressions excellently too, so be sure to find some time to indulge together!
• Britain is, legendarily, a nation of animal-lovers, so you can expect people to be significantly more perturbed by the Dog On The Roof Incident than by any other aspect of your record. On the other hand, people will expect you to be unfamiliar with British cuisine, so your bizarre inability to identify common baked goods will actually be less of a handicap than at home. Just try, if at all possible, not to hurl insults at whoever is providing the baked goods. It's probably fine to eat the baked goods in a strange fashion.
• Your weird and strongly held religious beliefs may provoke concern from those in Britain who are wary of the American-style incursion of religion into civic life. Among those who may raise this issue are Church of England bishops who automatically get a seat in the House of Lords and reporters from Britain's leading radio news programme which features a daily sermon.
• Above all, it's essential for any American politician visiting Britain to refer interminably to the "special relationship", which, for the duration of your visit, you must pretend to believe is a thing. In return, you can expect British politicians to praise "the idea of America" and its "optimistic spirit". Even if elected president, you will never be required to provide any concrete demonstration of the special relationship, and if anyone in Britain starts making trouble by suggesting that you should, you can just extradite them or something. Also, say "Winston Churchill" a lot. (But don't ask members of the public if they're Winston Churchill.)
Enjoy your stay! Sorry about the traffic, and the thunderstorms forecast during your trip, and Boris Johnson.