Lucy Mangan on the people and stories in the media spotlight in the last seven days
The story
Jacques Chirac
Zut Delors! Il est – against what sometimes seemed like toutes les odds – accompli. Former president of France Jacques Chirac has been found guilty of diverting public funds and abusing public trust by handing out phantom jobs to party members as if they were Ferrero Rocher at an event whose host was likely to be immune from prosecution for the term of his presidency.
Chirac was given a two-year suspended sentence, which his lawyer said he received "with serenity" (I know! Si francais!), and though he "categorically" denies the charges and says he worked only for "the grandeur of France and for peace" (I know! Si francais autre fois!) has decided that he lacks the strength to appeal.
The judgment makes him the first former French head of state to be found guilty since Vichy leader Marshal Philippe Petain was convicted in 1945 of collaboration with the Nazis. So, on the whole, an improvement.
The stat
$1.6m
The amount fetched at auction for a contract selling 1/10 of Apple for $800 in 1976, thereby officially confirming that the world has gone batshit crazy.
The quote
Cern
"The main conclusion is that the Standard Model Higgs boson, if it exists, is most likely to have a mass constrained to the range 116-130 GeV by the ATLAS experiment, and 115-127 GeV by CMS."
Particle scientists go into raptures when evidence emerges that the so-called "God particle" does exist.
The tweet
@charliesheen
"310-954-7277 Call me bro. C." The former sitcom star/current total mess accidentally gave out his mobile number to 5.5m followers when trying to DM Justin Bieber. He's changed numbers now – sorry, Two and a Half Men fans. Very sorry for you indeed, actually.